Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
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Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
looks legit
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.