I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”