IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
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[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Smile Twitter, Smile.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.