Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
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Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.