[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
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does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
next question.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…