Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
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*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Who did it better?
May never get over this
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?