Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I forgot how to panic. Help
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Meanwhile in Canada…
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO