CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
? 💀
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no