As the Lord intended
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I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.