*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
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Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane