there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Me, reading some of your tweets
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
no their not
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.