Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
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Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?