imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
And now we wait
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]