my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
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Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Happy birthday to all the women
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me