Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
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My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges