[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.