Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
You Might Also Like
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Your honor these allegations are
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Mountain Goat : )
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne