[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
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Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
yes, those are my real potatoes.