Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
The answer is funnier than the question
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.