My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
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Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Has science gone too far?
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.