She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
You Might Also Like
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen