[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
You Might Also Like
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?