I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
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No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?