I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
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Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
There are usually two types of merchants.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…