My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
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I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!