next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
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last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!