me making someone eat a chip with my mind
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Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
When the stylist spins you back around
A game married people play.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
*Seductively hides in the woods