*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.