Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
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[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Rather alarming headline…
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔