I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
so weird how every mom was born today
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”