That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
#JohnTravolta
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit