Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
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When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
me, after any kind of buffet.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.