[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
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me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Is this you?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot