I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
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I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.