Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
When can I start eating bats again.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha