wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
me and the Superbowl rn
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.