do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
You Might Also Like
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
🦝🔥🦝🔥
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.