14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
You Might Also Like
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me