Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
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My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.