My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
tell em, edith-anne
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
“You’d better run, egg!”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math