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wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.