Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
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[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Lmao
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald