The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
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When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Best seat on the street 😍
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too