5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”