Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
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Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?