MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
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Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…