HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
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My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness