It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
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After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
My time has come.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….