I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
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Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again