visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
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Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Only short people can save us
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off